Reflections on becoming a mom

Those that know me, even a little bit, probably know that I have always wanted to be a mom.  My mom tells me that even when I was tiny, I talked about it!  However, those that know me well, also know that there was a time when I thought that might never be in the cards for me.
When I was 21, in my third year of university, my body started acting strange.  I won't go into too much detail, for the sake of any male readers I might have, but things that were supposed to be happening, just suddenly, stopped happening.  After months of doctor's visits and research on the internet, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  Basically, that means that my ovaries do not work the way they are supposed to, so I don't ovulate regularly, or sometimes, at all.  It also meant that it could be very difficult or even impossible for me to get pregnant.  Although I was not married or trying to have a baby at the time, this was a huge blow to me.  I was devastated at the possibility of being infertile.  I was angry, hurt, disappointed, you name it.  Although I didn't know for sure that I would not be able to conceive, I think I grieved as if it were a certainty.  I was angry with God.  I felt like he had given me the desire to become a mom, and then, in an instant, ripped it all away from me. 
Over the next eight years, I struggled to accept the possibility that I would never get pregnant with my own child.  During this time, I did a practicum for university at a private adoption agency, and then, a few years later, began working in adoptions through Children's Services.  Although I'd always been aware of adoption - I had friends who were adopted or whose families had adopted children - this was the first time that I actually seriously considered it as a way to build a family; the first time I considered it as an option for myself.  While working in Children's Services, I fell in love with many of the children I worked with and placed in adoptive families.  Their stories both broke my heart and inspired me.  And over time, I began to accept that maybe I didn't have to give birth to be a mom.  Maybe there were children out there who needed me as a mother, and maybe that was God's plan for me.
Of course, during all this, I still wasn't married, so I was missing a very important ingredient for having a child biologically anyways!  In December 2005, Jeff and I started dating. The first night we started dating, I told him that I may never be able to have children.  His response was that if we couldn't, we'd adopt.  I think I knew right then that he was "the one."  One month later, my body started showing signs that things were starting to work again!  Those first couple of months were very painful and stressful, but by the time we got married in May 2007, everything seemed to be back to normal.  Still, I was afraid to dare to hope that I might be able to get pregnant.  It had been so long that I'd feared, even convinced myself, that I never would.  We started trying right away, but were prepared for a long wait.  When I got a positive pregnancy test just over a month after we got pregnant, I was still afraid to believe it, to hope that it was actually happening.  Although the nausea soon made it very apparent that I was indeed pregnant, it took most of the pregnancy, maybe until delivery, before the reality that this was really happening for me, set in.   I spent more time than I should have worrying that something would go wrong, that this wasn't really happening.  But on February 14, 2008, God's greatest gift to us arrived in a tiny, 5 lb. 3 oz package.  It's fitting that he arrived on a day that is a celebration of love!  And just 18 1/2 months later, on September 7, 2009, God gave us an equally wonderful and incredible gift, in the birth of our second baby boy.
Although I wanted to be a mom for as long as I could remember, I had never imagined how much love I would have for my little boys, and how much I would love being a mother!  I feel like I have been blessed beyond measure, and definitely beyond what I deserve!  We believe that our boys are miracles and are gifts from God.  Their names reflect this - Cole's second middle name is Matthew, which means "gift from God."  Zachary's name means "God remembers."  Despite all those years when I battled with Him, thinking he had forgotten about me, He never did.
I believe that God has a plan for everything that happens in our lives.  I don't completely understand why he allowed me to battle with the possibility of infertility for 8 years, but I have a few ideas.  I think that it made me more compassionate and understanding in my job.  I definitely know that it gave me a greater appreciation for my children!  And it opened my eyes and my heart to to the idea of building my family through adoption.  Although we are thrilled to be able to have children biologically, the desire to provide a family for children who need one is still heavy on my heart.  Perhaps one day, we will be able to do that.